So, would you or wouldn't you? The scene in which an ex appears at the church doors just as the minister utters, “Speak now or forever hold your peace,” may be a Hollywood cliché, but it is increasingly common for couples to invite exes to the ceremony, and experts say there’s no need for big-screen dramatics with a little careful planning and consideration.
To be
sure, many traditionalists including Emily Post advise against inviting ex
beaus or spouses because it can create uncomfortable scenes like those in movie
weddings or simply make things odd for other guests.
“It’s not
a good idea to invite an ex-spouse to an encore wedding,” Post writes in Emily Post's Wedding Etiquette,
Fifth Edition
(HarperCollins, 2006).
“Friends can feel awkward celebrating a new marriage when the former husband or
wife is there. Even if you and your ex are on good terms, there are other
family members to consider, and there’s no reason to open old wounds when it
can be avoided.”
Post adds
that seeing an ex at the ceremony can be confusing to any children involved,
making it harder for them to celebrate the beginning of their new family. But
many modernists make the case for inviting the ex, particularly if your kids
will be ring bearers and flower girls.
“If you
and your ex had children together, it’s not fair to your children to exclude
their parent unless the parent has been abusive,” says Tina B. Tessina, PhD,
psychotherapist and author of Money, Sex
and Kids: Stop Fighting about the Three Things That Can Ruin Your Marriage
(Adams Press, 2008).
“Talk to the ex before sending the invitation. Ask how them how they feel
about coming,” says Suzi Tozer, a Saint Louis-area event planner who operates Partiesdiy.com. “You’ve obviously moved on and are considering
including them, but they might find it extremely hard to watch you get married.
First I’d talk to my future mate and second I’d talk to my ex before addressing
the envelope.”
It’s also important to examine your own reasons for including your ex. Are you co-parents on good terms, for example, or could there be a darker motive behind the invitation?
“Is it because you want to share this special day with someone who you will always care about, or do you want them to feel bad that you are so happy?” asks Tozer.
If that’s the case, you should work through those feelings, especially if there are children involved who might pick up on your negative emotions.
“Keep your focus on making the occasion pleasant for your children, and not your own resentments and frustrations,” says Tessina. “You can work those out in therapy before or after the wedding.”
What do you think? Is there ever a good reason to invite your ex?
That
advice comes with a few caveats, though. You should make it clear to your ex
and everyone involved what his or her boundaries are and whether their current
partner is invited or if they can bring a date.You should also make sure your
current partner understands exactly why you are inviting your ex well in
advance of your wedding day.
“This is a
time for everyone to get along,” says Tessina, also known as Dr. Romance. “The
best rule is no surprises for anyone, no secrets from anyone.” Wedding
experts say the key to avoiding surprises, secrets and any ugly scenes that
might follow is communicating with everyone early in the planning process.
It’s also important to examine your own reasons for including your ex. Are you co-parents on good terms, for example, or could there be a darker motive behind the invitation?
“Is it because you want to share this special day with someone who you will always care about, or do you want them to feel bad that you are so happy?” asks Tozer.
If that’s the case, you should work through those feelings, especially if there are children involved who might pick up on your negative emotions.
“Keep your focus on making the occasion pleasant for your children, and not your own resentments and frustrations,” says Tessina. “You can work those out in therapy before or after the wedding.”
What do you think? Is there ever a good reason to invite your ex?
